The Script
Note: ‘that’ is said in a completely different voice.

BLANK/BLACK SCREEN
VOICE [OFFSCREEN, SOMBER TONE]: Once upon a midnight dreary
             While I pondered weak and weary

OPEN ON A PAIR OF SANDALS TUMBLING ENDO OVER END THROUGH SPACE. APPEAR TO BE MOVING SLOWLY.

DISTANCE SHOT OF SANDALS WITH IDEON IN BACKGROUND - SANDALS ACTUALY MOVING FAST.

SANDALS COLLIDE WITH THE IDEON

VOICE [SCREAMING]: Sandals Iesu Grist!

IDEON PROMPTLY EXPLODES, SETTING OFF ITS DOOMSDAY WEAPON AND DESTROYING THE UNIVERSE. SEE THE SHOCKWAVE SNUFFING OUT THE STARS.

CENTER ON THE PIRATE SHIP (WHAT SHOUKD IT LOOK LIKE? BECAUSE OF THE SCENE I RECKONED THE ENTERPRISE-A, BUT OTHER APPEARANCES ARE GLADLY RECEIVED)

INTERIOR SHOT OF THE PIRATE SHIP. BRIDGE.
CLOSE UP SHOT OF THE PIRATE CAPTAIN - VERY GAUDY.

SITING IN HIS CPATAINS CHAIR HE DRINKS COFFEE IN A WINE GLASS - SIPS AND PUTS IT DWON ON A TABLE IN FRONT OF HIM.

COFFEEE GLASS SHAKES OFF THE TABLE AND SMASHES.

PIRATE FIRST OFFICER (PFO): Sir I have a subspace shockwave coming in from 240 Mark 5 port

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Yarr, visual!

PIRATE CAPTAIN [STANDS UP]: My God!

SHOCKWAVE HITS SEE VARIOUS PEOPLE BEING FLUNG ABOUT.

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Yarr, don’t tell me that be a meteor shower.

PFO: No sir [GLANCES AT SCREEN] Transmission incoming

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Onscreen

PFO: aye-aye captain.

CHERRIES JUBILEE AND FIELD MARSHALL CASANOVE APPEAR ONSCREEN.

CJ: I am Cherries Jubilee of the Rebel Army of Luxembourg. We - who the hell are you?

PIRATE CAPTAIN: We be the pirate who own two of everything - but not everything! That would be weird.

FMC: There has been an incident, but we insist that you obey treaty stipulations and stay on your side of the border. End transmission.

PIRATE CAPTAIN:[INCREDULOUS] An incident!?

PFO: I have found the existence of the location of the universe but …

PIRATE CAPTAIN: But what?
PFO: I cannot confirm the existence of the universe …

A CD FLIES IN FROM OFFSCREEN AND DECAPITATES THE HELMSWOMAN.

PIRATE CAPTAIN [SIGHING] Aye she’d look peaceful if her hadn’t been so brutally decapitated

PFO: Was that a DVD?

PIRATE SECOND OFFICER: No sir that be a CD, Yarr.

CUT TO A SCROLLING MAN

SCROLLING MAN: Stevie Wonder.

EXIT SCROLLING MAN.

OPEN ON SCREAMS AND A CITYSCAPE THAT IS FULL OF SMOKE, PEOPLE RUN PAST.

CUT TO THE END OF A STREET WHERE WE SEE A GROUP OF LAWYERS (2 MEN AND A WOMAN) IN SUITS WITH BRIEFCASES.

LAYER 1: [GRABS PASSING MAN - HE HAS A BLACK EYE] What happened to you?
MAN: [HYSTERICAL] He hit me! He hit me!
LAWYER 2: Who did?

MAN GIBBERS SOMETHING THEN STARTS TO SCREAM AGAIN.

WOMAN LAWYER SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE AND SHAKES HIM AND SHOUTS: Get a grip Man! What is your name?

GEORGE: GEORGE.

LAWYER 1: Who hit you?
GEORGE: The Russian! He hit me!

THE LAWYERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH APPREHENSION. GEORGE SCREAMS

GEORGE: He’s behind you!

SHOT TO SEE THE RUSSIAN MAN BEHIND THEM, DWARFING HTEM WITH HIS SIZE.

THE RUSSIAN: I am The Russian.

HE WEARS A HUGE COMISSAR’S HAT.

THE RUSSIAN: I hit people once and only once!

W. LAWYER: [GASP] that means he can avoid prosecution. It could have been an accident …

GEORGE: What do you mean; he hit me with malice aforethought!
LAWYER 1: No! you must not say those words!

GEORGE: But he did! With malice aforethought!

LAWYER 2: you will bring us to ruin!

GEORGE: he struck me with malice aforethought!

THEREIS A HUGE CRACK SOUND AND EVERYTHING GOES QUIET. SEE THE LAWYERS GO DOWN ON THEIR KNEES AS A HUGE SHADOW OF A MNA FALLS ACROSS THEM.

DEEP VOICE:[VERY UPPER CLASS ENGLISH ACCENT] Who dares disturb my sleep!?

LAWYER 1: My Lord ….

DEEP VOICE: [THUNDERS] SILENCE!I will speak to the one who summoned me! [POINTS AT GEORGE] you. Who struck you with malice aforethought?

GEORGE: [POINTS AT RUSSIAN]

DEEP VOICE: Indeed.

CUT TO SEE THIS ‘DEEP VOICE’. HE IS A HUGE MAN WHO DWARFS ALL AROUND HIM AND LOOKS LIKE JUDGE DREDD.

LAWYER 1: My Lord Denning you cannot -
LORD DENNING: [INTERRUPTS] I find your lack of faith disturbing.

HE SQUARES UP TO THE RUSSIAN.

LORD DENNING: In the name of English Law your punching has offended me! I demand satisfaction!

HE TAKES OFF HIS WHITE GLOVE AND HIT’S THE RUSSIAN ACROSS THE FACE.

THE RUSSIAN: I accept.

YET ANOTHER DISEMBODIED VOICE:
The Russian Versus Lord Denning

THE RUSSIAN ASSUMES AN OCELOT POSE, WHILST LORD DENNING TAKES ONE FROM MORTAL KOMBAT.

VOICE: FIGHT!

MORTAL KOMBAT MUSIC. WE ARE TREATED TO THE THRILL OF LORD DENNING COMPLETLEY TROUNCING THE RUSSIAN.

THE RUSSIAN: I submit. Let all know that the power of Lord Denning and English Law is irresistible!

FADE OUT

FADE IN

WE SEE A PIER STRETCHING OUT INTO THE SEA. IT IS A NICE DAY - BLUE SKY ETC. AT THE EDGE OF THE PIER THERE IS A GIRL, DRESSED IN A RED TOP AND A WHITE SKIRT THAT FALLS TO HER FEET, WHICH MOVES SLIGHTLY WITH THE WIND. WE CAN HEAR THE SEA AND THE WIND, AND PERHAPS A FEW SEAGULLS.

CLOSE UP SHOT OF THE GIRL’S FACE IN PROFILE.

SHOT OF THE SEA.

GIRL: I want cockles …

GIRL JUMPS INTO THE SEA.


CUT TO NURSE IN A PSYCHIATRIC WARD [MUST BE SIMPLE AN STEREOTYPICAL SO PEOPLE RECOGNISE IT IMMEDIATELY.]

NURSE: [TO DOCTOR] He has become increasingly deranged – the medication isn’t strong enough.

DOCTOR: Indeed…


THEY ARE OUTSIDE A DOOR WITH A SMALL WINDOW, WHICH IS SOUNDPROOFED.

WE GO THROUGH THE WINDOW AND SEE GEORGE SLEEPING RESTLESSLY ON THE BED. SUDDENLY HE JUMPS UP FROM HIS SLEEPING POSITION TO STAND WHILST SCREAMING. HIS HANDS ARE CLENCHED AND HIS ARMS BENT AT THE ELBOW.

GEORGE: [SCREAMING] I sense, I sense THAT man! I sense you, LEWSAN T! HWOOOAAARGH! [SCREAMING NOISE]

HE COLLAPSES TO HIS KNEES AND HIS CHEST STARTS EXPANING IN A DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE WAY. IT FINALLY BURSTS SENING A SPRAY OF GORE EVERYWHERE. WE HEAR SCREAMS AND SEE A PIE FLYING OUT HIS CHEST, OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW IN THE DOOR AND DOWN THE CORRIDOR, SCREEMING ALL THE WHILE.

CUT TO A MAN WHO IS SPINNING AROUND ON THE SPOT WHILST SINGING THE CHORUS TO ‘YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND’

FADE OUT

‘FADE IN’ TO DARKNESS.

VOICE: Ah yes; now I think we can risk more light!

SEE A HAND ON A LIGHT SWITCH. WE MOVE ALONG TO SEE AN OLD GUY HOLDING A WALKING STICK WITH EIGHT COMPANIONS DRESSED AS PEOPLE FROM SOME FANTASY WORLD. IN THIS ODDLY QUIET GUILDING WE CAN SEE PILLARS SET AT REGULAR INTERVALS WITH RACKS OF HOODYS FILLING IN DENSE BLOCKS OF SPACE.THE GROUP WALK DOWN AN ANVENUE BETWEEN THE RACKS OF HOODYS TOWARDS A SALES DESK IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROSSROADS.
ON THE DESK THERE IS A SALES REGISTER AND WE SEE THE REMAINS OF TWO SKELETONS ON THE FLOOR.
THE OLD MAN OPENS THE SLAES REGISTER BOOK AND BEGINS TO READ.

OLD MAN: Let me see. It seems to say ‘we cannot get out. We cannot get out … drums, drums in the deep … they are coming…’ oh dear.

ONE MEMBER OF THE GROUP WHO HAS BEEN FIDGETING SUDDENLY PRESSES A HUGE RED BUTTONSND ALARMS START BLARING OUT.

THE OLD MAN SWITCHES OFF THE ALARMS AND HITS THE GUY OVER THE HEAD AND SHOUTS: You tithead!

BUTTON GUY: But the legend of the big red button says -  

OLD MAN: [THUNDERING] There is no legend of the button!

AND SUDDENLY WE HEAR THE DEEP BASE THUDDING OF SOME CHAVE MUSIC. IN THE DISTANCE DOWN THE AVENUE WE CAN SEE A MASS MOVING FORWARDS.

WE CAN HEAR A GREAT SUSSURATION OF SOUND AND CAN MAKE OUT VARIOUS PIECES OF CHAV-SPEAK:

You startin’, ai?
I’ll bust your bus stop yeah? Etc.

ONCE THEY GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO TE GROUP ONE POINTS AND SHOUTS: Ffockin’ Goffic ai!

THE GROUP DRAW THEIR SWORDS. SUDDENLY THE OLD MAN SPIES A WAY OUT. HE POINTS FURIOUSLY A FREE AISLE TOWARDS THE DOOR.

OLD MAN: To the Door of Kerfoots!

THEY RUN DOWN THE AISLE TO THE ACCOMPANIEMENT OF TRACK 13 OF THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. THEY REACH OUT THE DOOR AND RUN OUT INTO THE STREET. THE TOWNIES ARE IN HOT PURSUIT, BUT HEY STOP AND XCURRY AWAY.

BOROMIR LOOK-ALIKE: What is this new devilry?

WE SEE A QUEUE OF BEINGS WHO ARE MILLING AROUND LOOKING RATHER LIKE DEMENTORS, BUT WITH WHITE FACES INSIDE THE HOODS. THEY APPEAR TO BE IN A LINE FOR THE ‘LEW-CON’ AS THE SIGN ON THE BUILDING PROCLAIMS.

OLD MAN: This is a foe beyond any of you! Take these [HANDS THEM EAR MUFFS THAT BLOCK OUT SOUND.] and run! THE REST RUN BUT THE MAN STAYS THERE.
PRESENTLY THE MASS OF BEINGS PART AND WE SEE ANOTHER ONE OF THEM, ALBEIT MORE PATHETIC IF POSSIBLE.

OLD MAN: Evilsissor…

EVILSISSOR SMILES A GODAWFULLY SELF-SATISIFED SMILE AND WALKS FORWARD AND GESTURES TO HIS CREATURES TO DO THE SAME.

OLD MAN: [DETERMINED] You shall not pass! I have a big stick and I’ll hit you! You shall not pass!

EVILSISSOR MERELY SMILES AND GESTURES TO HIS FOLLOWERS WHO ALL BRING THEIR HANDS UP AND SAY AS ONE:

Evil!

THE OLD MAN’S HEAD PROMPTLY EXPLODES. WE FADE OUT AND DURING THE FADE OUT WE HEAR A VOICE SAYING:

And so it begins!

ENTER A MAN WHO LOOKS VAGUELY GERMANIC WHO SAYS IN A LOUD HEAVILY ACCENTED VOICE: In Germany when somebody tells you to relax, mein Gott in Himmel you relax!

FADE OUT AGAIN

VOICE: Ac yn y tywyllwch …
SEE A SHAPE LUNGING FOR THE SCREEN – A SYGGESTION OF HANDS GOING FOR THE THROAT
… LEWSANT T!

CUT TO A MASSIVE HALLWAY FILLED WITH ZOMBIES. IN THE MIDDLE THERE ARE A GROUP OF PEOPLE. SOME FIRE INTO THE CROWD.

RESAK: [URGENT] No! We cannot hold them off!

RAVEN: [EQUALLY URGENT] But we must Resak!

KASEY: We must turn the undead! It is the only way!

RAVEN: No Kasey! We cannot!

RESAK: But we must! Xerxes hand me the necessary tools!

XERXES Tuuls, Tuuls, Tuuls! Here they are. Quickly – use them!

XERXES HANDS RESAK A GHETTO BLASTER AND A CD. RESAK PUTS THEM TOGETHER.

RESAK: May God forgive us all! [PRESSES PLAY]

FROM THE GHETTO BLASTER COMES THE SOUND OF ‘THRILLER’. ALL THE ZOMBIES AND BLAU DANCE, IN PERFECT SYNCHRONISATION, TO THE MUSIC.

AT THE END OF THE SONG, AFTER THE MUSIC FADES OUT ALL HOLD THE POSE AND WE ZOOM OUT TO SEE THE ZOMBIES SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.

FADE OUT.

OPEN ON A CROWD OF PEOPLE TALKING. THE COCKLES GIRL SI THERE LISTENING TO WHAT THE PEOPLE ARE SAYING – DOESN’T MATTER WHAT IT IS, IT CAN JUST BE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SAYING ‘BLAH BLAH BLAH’ OR SOMETHING. SHE HAS A BLANCK LOOK ON HER FACE.
SUDDENLY SHE DECLARES:

Sandra is my lesbian lover.

AND THEN SHE WALKS OFF.

FADE OUT.